"Decisions are the Worst"

I think that I need to think about my food decisions in a wholistic way. Not just worrying about what I am going to eat for breakfast or for lunch. Seeing each meal as part of a whole. Part of my whole menu for the day. Part of my whole caloric intake for the week.

Each decision about food is an important one. I shouldn’t be thinking that it won't matter if I just have just this one cookie or just this one box of M&Ms because each little M&M plays into the bigger picture of my diet, my body, my life, my attitude.

One small decision to have a Reese’s Peanut Butter Blast from Sonic can affect how I feel about myself for the rest of the day or even the week.

• It affects how I spend my time because I have to work out longer to make up for it.
• It affects my mood because I feel grumpy and guilty for eating it.
• It affects my activity level because I feel heavier and sluggish and don't want to get out and go running.
• It affects my relationships because when I am sad about my body it makes Brian sad or frustrated and that affects the way we relate to each other.
• I cannot be encouraging or loving to my friends when I am consumed with thoughts about a Peanut Butter Blast going straght to my hips.
• It affects my relationship with God because when I criticise my body I am criticising his workmanship.

In the end, one Peanut Butter Blast adds extra weight to every area of my life.

I want to start seeing each food decision as missed or maximized opportunities.

• When I choose to drink coffee in the morning, it means I am missing an opportunity to drink more water.
• When I choose to eat a large cookie that means I am missing an opportunity to save time later because I will need to burn extra calories that day.
• When I eat extra carbs it means I am missing an opportunity to eat fruits and vegetables.
• When I go running after work it means I am maximizing an opportunity to be healthy and strong.
• When I order a salad instead of a cheeseburger it means I am maximizing an opportunity to get some servings of vegetables in.

I also don’t want to view food as “good” and “bad.” I don’t want to say that yesterday I made a “bad” decision to get a Sonic Reese’s Peanut Butter Blast. Because it wasn’t a bad decision. It tasted good. It was free. It was fun to eat. It just makes life a little harder on the back end b/c of guilt, or needing to work out more, or feeling fat or sloppy as a result of eating that Peanut Butter blast.

I will take responsibility for my decisions and own them. I will be aware of the decisions I am making. I will make a conscious effort to eat food that is better for me. I will do this to be healthier and to feel better about myself. I will not feel guilty or “bad” because of my decisions. I will just keep moving forward and remember that each decision is an important decision. Each decision is a spiritual decision. Each decision counts.

Time for a New Post

I just turned 27. 

I think it will be a good year.

However, it is kind of weird and strange because I feel like I am at an age where I should be going somewhere or doing something - heading towards bigger and better things. Instead, my life feels a little too comfortable, slightly stagnant, and pedestrian.  It is not bad by any means. It is just...safe and predictable and routine.

I keep thinking that I want to live a "BIG" life. I don't know what that means. A few years ago my definition of "BIG" was moving away to somewhere like New York City or Austin, TX. When I graduated college and moved Fairfax, I thought that by the time I was 27 I would be on my way to New York City because at that point I would have more life experience and be braver. 

Looking back I think, man I should have gone when I didn't know any better.  Because now I don't even think that I would like to live in New York City which had been my dream since the 6th grade. When I really think about it, it would end up being like living anywhere after a while - even if I worked in Rockafeller Center or the Empire State Building, after a while I would still just be going to work and coming home. 

My life is good. My parents live close enough that a trip to see them is easily made and I value that a lot. I have a great boyfriend, awesome friends, a fantastic church and I work for a company that I love. But I still find myself wanting more, thinking - is this it? 

How is my life glorifying to God when I go to work, go to the gym (on a good day), come home, eat dinner on a tray while watching TV, read, and go to bed? How does the mundane glorify God and why does it feel small?  

I am not a visionary. I don't have these wild and crazy dreams of how I want to change the world. I just want my life to not be small, to not be too comfortable, and to be moving forward instead of standing still. However, I am timid and I hate change so it is a challenge to get out of my comfort zone when all I want is for everything to never change.

What is going to matter when I look back on my life? Probably the relationships I had and poured into. But ultimately I think what will matter is how well I knew Jesus and served Him. And I suppose that a life with Him will not be small. He is the creator of the universe. I'm sure He could do some crazy stuff. The hard part is letting go to let Him do that.  I pray that I can.

XOXO,

jL

2009 Resolutions

Since the New Year officially starts tomorrow, January 5th (the Monday after New Year's weekend) - I thought I would share my New Year's resolutions.

1). Lose 16 pounds by April and set another goal after that.

2). To not have losing weight be my New Years Resolution next year.

3). Use more lotion, eye shadow, and bar soap - I have so much of these things it is ridiculous. Please never buy me grooming products. I am well stocked (18 eye shadow cases - some with multiple colors; 9 bars of soap; 13 bottles of lotion; and 5 bottles of body wash)!

4). To run the Marine Corps Marathon again this year.

5). To walk with God purposefully and figure out how to glorify Him in the mundane details of life.

6). To pray regularly for the United States, the President, and world events. And also to pray more in general.

7). To wear dresses often and well.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good night!

XOXO,

jL

Where is My Worth?

This weekend I was overcome with this feeling of being hard to love - like there is something wrong with me that makes me high maintenance and unable to maintain relationships for a long period of time. I have a fear that I will end up alone, in a nursing home, as a widow with children who only visit me because they have to.

I remind myself that I have parents who love me abundantly; a boyfriend who loves me too; a best friend who listens and a surrogate nephew who thinks I'm "so cute" and gets excited to see me; friends from college to have funn with; brothers and sisters in Christ who will pray for me upon request; coworkers who come see me and listen to the drama of my life; and even a brother who lets me use his X-Box to play Rock Band. 

But somehow it doesn't feel like enough. My heart feels like a vacuum that cannot be filled. And I think, the fact that I comfort myself with reminders of the love of people shows that I am finding my worth in the wrong place. 

I am not valuable because of the amount of people I know or by the amount of Facebook messages I have or the amount of friends or family that love me or call me or email me. I am valuable because I am loved by a God who gave his Son to die for me so that He could have a relationship with me. God's love is the the substance of my worth and anything else from anyone else is the cherry on top.

Why, then, do I make God's love the cherry and people's love the substance? Mostly because I am human and it is way easier to see the tangible expressions from people when they hug and kiss and give presents and post on my Facebook wall and listen and talk. Also because I forget to remember God's abundant love and take the good news of the Gospel for granted because I have heard it so many times.

I know that God has created us for relationships. I believe that He uses the people in our lives to bless us and help us grow. Relationships are the way He demonstrates His love and lets us experience a taste of the the abundant way He loves us. 

But in the end, if I am alone in that nursing home (and even if I am surrounded by family and friends to the end), the only thing that is going to really matter is how well I know Jesus and the degree to which I believe and experience His love as the sustaining force in my life. So I pray that I could grow in knowledge and wisdom so that I may know Him better.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

~Ephesians 3:18-19

"But now, this is what the LORD says -

he who created you, O [Jenny],

he who formed you, O [Jenny];

"Fear not for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life."

~Isaiah 43:1, 4

*my wise friend Sheri who went to seminary said it is theologically okay to put your name in where it says "Israel"

Irrational Fears and Aversions I Have

1). The seven minutes it take me to fall asleep - I love to sleep. Love it. Love it. Love it. I love my sheets and my bed and snuggling with my teddy bear. I love getting eight hours and feeling rested. I love waking up to Elliot in the Morning's maniacal laugh. 

However, I hate the seven minutes it takes me to fall asleep. Where everything is quiet and my brain has time to process the happenings of the day. It seems like irrational fears overtake me in this time and although I generally pass quickly through this phase into my dreams - I will do anything to avoid those seven minutes.  I have literally stayed up for 2 - 3 extra hours doing meaningless things to avoid those seven minutes. It is unhealthy. And weird. 

2). Running - Two years ago I was a runner. Last year at this time I had just finished the Marine Corps Marathon. And then somewhere along the way I started getting afraid that if I went running I wouldn't like it. 

Every time I would go running I would think, "I LOVE RUNNING. I feel awesome. This is great. Run Run Run!" and then afterwards I would think, "what if I don't like it next time" and I started avoiding it. And now I am not a runner. And I have this fear that if I go running I will feel my jiggles and wiggles all over the place and I will be too heavy to run. The irony is, if I went running I would get less wiggly and jiggly but I can't make myself get out there. It makes no sense. I don't know where this came from.  I think I need a running partner.

3). Falling or Tripping face forward and busting 

or chipping a tooth - Earlier this year I developed this fear that I would trip on cement or going up stairs, fall, and hit my tooth and chip it. I can imagine how it would feel to have my tooth knocked loose from my gums, hanging by a thread waiting to fall as blood gushes down my chin. It makes me cringe even now. So I bought an athletic mouth guard to wear when I go up and down stairs. 

Is it irrational? Yes. 

Does it help. Maybe. 

Am I embarrassed? No.

4). Left-Overs - I get afraid of left-overs if they have been in the refrigerator for more than three days. I get scared to smell them 

or see the consistency of them. I will not eat them. I just always assume they will smell bad and make me want to vomit. So I'll leave them in the fridge for weeks b/c I don't want to touch them. It is like, if i avoid it long enough, they will cease to exist. When I finally do empty them, they are as gross as I imagined and I gag and have to use rubber gloves to dispose of them. The irony is if I would just dispose of them the first day I think about it, it would be done and not that bad. It is a vicious cycle.

5). The Sound of Brushing Teeth - My roommate in college used to brush her teeth for two minutes without the water on. I would lay in my bed (we had a sink in our room) and think, "I can't take this. I can't take this. I am going to throw up." This happened every night and the thought still gives me chills.

6). Cruching/Chomping/Slurping/Chewing with Your Mouth Open - this is a new aversion thanks to my lovely boyfriend and his family. They are very against the aforementioned practices. If someone is making mouth noises, they will call you out in front of every

one. At first I thought this was needless and silly. Now, I notice every chomp, slurrp, and bite. My brother is slurping in the other room right now and I had to shut my door and turn on my music before I threw up. So, thank you Brian Armstrong. I appreciate this newfound awareness.  Sike.

Why my office is like The Office

I was going to write a post about why my office is like The Office but then I thought about it and realized that if anyone from HR read it, they may take it the wrong way and I would get in trouble. 

So I just thought I would tell you that I thought about doing that but decided not to. If you would like me to tell you why my office is like The Office, hit me up and I will let you know :o)

XOXO

jL

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I spent the week of Thanksgiving sick with a bad cold. It was wretched. I was homebound for four days and stayed home from work for two of those.  Being an extrovert, this was very trying for me. However, coughing up a lung each day does not leave you much energy for being around people any way.

"What did I do with my time off?" you ask. I watched 20+ episodes of The Hills, the third season of How I Met Your Mother, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and Made of Honor.  It turns out that mind numbing television does a body good! 11 days later and I am almost 100% back to health.

As a result of watching The Hills, I came up with a list of things I am Thankful For:

1). My drama-free boyfriend who is not passive aggressive, self-centered, or Spencer Pratt, Justin Bobby, or Jason Wahler.

2). The extra pounds around my thighs. A girl has gotta have some meat on her bones.

3). Best Friends who do not hook up with or encourage my other best friend to hook up with or make up rumors about hooking up with said drama-free boyfriend. 

4). A brother who is not Spencer Pratt.

5). Not having a Blackberry or iPhone.

I really did enjoy the third season of How I Met Your Mother. Seriously. That show is a gem and a half. I think I really like it because they are in my life stage and I relate to a lot of the experiences they have. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Barney: Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!

BlahBlah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?

Robin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Barney and I are not together, no, no.

Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?

Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?

Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.

Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?

Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin: Right, first being you.

Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?