Where is My Worth?

This weekend I was overcome with this feeling of being hard to love - like there is something wrong with me that makes me high maintenance and unable to maintain relationships for a long period of time. I have a fear that I will end up alone, in a nursing home, as a widow with children who only visit me because they have to.

I remind myself that I have parents who love me abundantly; a boyfriend who loves me too; a best friend who listens and a surrogate nephew who thinks I'm "so cute" and gets excited to see me; friends from college to have funn with; brothers and sisters in Christ who will pray for me upon request; coworkers who come see me and listen to the drama of my life; and even a brother who lets me use his X-Box to play Rock Band. 

But somehow it doesn't feel like enough. My heart feels like a vacuum that cannot be filled. And I think, the fact that I comfort myself with reminders of the love of people shows that I am finding my worth in the wrong place. 

I am not valuable because of the amount of people I know or by the amount of Facebook messages I have or the amount of friends or family that love me or call me or email me. I am valuable because I am loved by a God who gave his Son to die for me so that He could have a relationship with me. God's love is the the substance of my worth and anything else from anyone else is the cherry on top.

Why, then, do I make God's love the cherry and people's love the substance? Mostly because I am human and it is way easier to see the tangible expressions from people when they hug and kiss and give presents and post on my Facebook wall and listen and talk. Also because I forget to remember God's abundant love and take the good news of the Gospel for granted because I have heard it so many times.

I know that God has created us for relationships. I believe that He uses the people in our lives to bless us and help us grow. Relationships are the way He demonstrates His love and lets us experience a taste of the the abundant way He loves us. 

But in the end, if I am alone in that nursing home (and even if I am surrounded by family and friends to the end), the only thing that is going to really matter is how well I know Jesus and the degree to which I believe and experience His love as the sustaining force in my life. So I pray that I could grow in knowledge and wisdom so that I may know Him better.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

~Ephesians 3:18-19

"But now, this is what the LORD says -

he who created you, O [Jenny],

he who formed you, O [Jenny];

"Fear not for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life."

~Isaiah 43:1, 4

*my wise friend Sheri who went to seminary said it is theologically okay to put your name in where it says "Israel"

Irrational Fears and Aversions I Have

1). The seven minutes it take me to fall asleep - I love to sleep. Love it. Love it. Love it. I love my sheets and my bed and snuggling with my teddy bear. I love getting eight hours and feeling rested. I love waking up to Elliot in the Morning's maniacal laugh. 

However, I hate the seven minutes it takes me to fall asleep. Where everything is quiet and my brain has time to process the happenings of the day. It seems like irrational fears overtake me in this time and although I generally pass quickly through this phase into my dreams - I will do anything to avoid those seven minutes.  I have literally stayed up for 2 - 3 extra hours doing meaningless things to avoid those seven minutes. It is unhealthy. And weird. 

2). Running - Two years ago I was a runner. Last year at this time I had just finished the Marine Corps Marathon. And then somewhere along the way I started getting afraid that if I went running I wouldn't like it. 

Every time I would go running I would think, "I LOVE RUNNING. I feel awesome. This is great. Run Run Run!" and then afterwards I would think, "what if I don't like it next time" and I started avoiding it. And now I am not a runner. And I have this fear that if I go running I will feel my jiggles and wiggles all over the place and I will be too heavy to run. The irony is, if I went running I would get less wiggly and jiggly but I can't make myself get out there. It makes no sense. I don't know where this came from.  I think I need a running partner.

3). Falling or Tripping face forward and busting 

or chipping a tooth - Earlier this year I developed this fear that I would trip on cement or going up stairs, fall, and hit my tooth and chip it. I can imagine how it would feel to have my tooth knocked loose from my gums, hanging by a thread waiting to fall as blood gushes down my chin. It makes me cringe even now. So I bought an athletic mouth guard to wear when I go up and down stairs. 

Is it irrational? Yes. 

Does it help. Maybe. 

Am I embarrassed? No.

4). Left-Overs - I get afraid of left-overs if they have been in the refrigerator for more than three days. I get scared to smell them 

or see the consistency of them. I will not eat them. I just always assume they will smell bad and make me want to vomit. So I'll leave them in the fridge for weeks b/c I don't want to touch them. It is like, if i avoid it long enough, they will cease to exist. When I finally do empty them, they are as gross as I imagined and I gag and have to use rubber gloves to dispose of them. The irony is if I would just dispose of them the first day I think about it, it would be done and not that bad. It is a vicious cycle.

5). The Sound of Brushing Teeth - My roommate in college used to brush her teeth for two minutes without the water on. I would lay in my bed (we had a sink in our room) and think, "I can't take this. I can't take this. I am going to throw up." This happened every night and the thought still gives me chills.

6). Cruching/Chomping/Slurping/Chewing with Your Mouth Open - this is a new aversion thanks to my lovely boyfriend and his family. They are very against the aforementioned practices. If someone is making mouth noises, they will call you out in front of every

one. At first I thought this was needless and silly. Now, I notice every chomp, slurrp, and bite. My brother is slurping in the other room right now and I had to shut my door and turn on my music before I threw up. So, thank you Brian Armstrong. I appreciate this newfound awareness.  Sike.

Why my office is like The Office

I was going to write a post about why my office is like The Office but then I thought about it and realized that if anyone from HR read it, they may take it the wrong way and I would get in trouble. 

So I just thought I would tell you that I thought about doing that but decided not to. If you would like me to tell you why my office is like The Office, hit me up and I will let you know :o)

XOXO

jL

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I spent the week of Thanksgiving sick with a bad cold. It was wretched. I was homebound for four days and stayed home from work for two of those.  Being an extrovert, this was very trying for me. However, coughing up a lung each day does not leave you much energy for being around people any way.

"What did I do with my time off?" you ask. I watched 20+ episodes of The Hills, the third season of How I Met Your Mother, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, and Made of Honor.  It turns out that mind numbing television does a body good! 11 days later and I am almost 100% back to health.

As a result of watching The Hills, I came up with a list of things I am Thankful For:

1). My drama-free boyfriend who is not passive aggressive, self-centered, or Spencer Pratt, Justin Bobby, or Jason Wahler.

2). The extra pounds around my thighs. A girl has gotta have some meat on her bones.

3). Best Friends who do not hook up with or encourage my other best friend to hook up with or make up rumors about hooking up with said drama-free boyfriend. 

4). A brother who is not Spencer Pratt.

5). Not having a Blackberry or iPhone.

I really did enjoy the third season of How I Met Your Mother. Seriously. That show is a gem and a half. I think I really like it because they are in my life stage and I relate to a lot of the experiences they have. Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Barney: Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!

BlahBlah: So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. Robin, how did you and Barney meet?

Robin: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Barney and I are not together, no, no.

Barney: Really? Sixteen no's? Really?

Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?

Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.

Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?

Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin: Right, first being you.

Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

To Lighten the Mood..

Top Five Office Quotes That Make Me Happy :o)





Kelly: Oh my god, I have so much to tell you!
Jim: Really?
Kelly: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? — they had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are a-mazing.
Jim: Great. What’s new with you?
Kelly: I just told you.





Andy: I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.



Angela: How do you tell someone it’s over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well what if the recipient is your notary?





Dwight: I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me the Overkill Killer.





Pam: Michael. Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper. You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, ‘are you sure Michael?’ And you said, ‘Pam! Pam! Pam!’ And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, ‘don’t worry it’s just allergies.’ Do you remember that?

Why I am Opposed to Obama

I know it is too late now but it is cathartic to get it out. My friend Tom asked me the following question:

Hey Jenny,

Can you tell me why you are so opposed to Obama? I voted for him, but I wouldn't have been devastated if McCain won either - especially because I really supported him in 2000 (I just really don't like Sarah Palin). Really, don't you think ANYONE would be better than Bush? I like him even less than Palin!

I'm just struggling to find the severe disconnect that people like you have with the Obama movement. Would you feel just as opposed to a Hillary Clinton presidency?

I really want to hear from you because I think you are a rational person, unlike some nuts who seemingly fell head first into the Kool-Aid with his arms and legs tied to cinder blocks. I'm just really interested in hearing your perspectives and reasoning.

I hope you are open to sharing this with me. I hope you are well! (Outside of this, of course)

Tom

I thought I would put my response below in case anyone was wondering...

Tom -

My biggest issue with Obama is his economic policy. I am very opposed to the "spread the wealth around" mentality. It upsets me that my parents will be punished because they worked hard, served in the military and combat for 20+ years, and invested wisely. Because they are not "middle class", they will be be punished through higher taxes that will go to fund programs that will most likely help out people who aren't working for the benefits they are reaping. I realize that is a generalized statement but still mostly true, I believe. I am all for helping out people in need, I would just prefer to get to decide where my money goes.

We are all going to get punished when he taxes businesses- that is going to flow down and result in the our companies not being able to give us higher raises, taking away benefits, etc so we will have less to spend on the economy. Trickle down economics doesn't work when the top doesn't have the money to spend.

I am also conservative when it comes to social/moral issues like abortion, gay marriage, etc. I cannot believe how liberal Obama is in his stance on abortion. Yes, he has said he wants to reduce abortion but he also has said that one of the first things he wants to do is pass the Freedom of Choice Act (seehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf0XIRZSTt8) which will invalidate every restriction on the abortion of a fetus such as parental notification laws, waiting periods, requirements of full disclosure of the physical and emotional risks inherent in abortion, and restrictions on certain late-term abortion techniques. It will also repeal the Hyde Amendment and allow taxpayers money to pay for abortions so abortion is available to anyone that cannot afford it. Experts say that this would create an estimate of 125,000 more abortions per year. The fact that my tax dollars could go to killing more unborn children just makes me so frustrated and sad. 

It also upsets me that he will have the opportunity to appoint 2-3 Supreme Court Justices and he has said that he wants judges
"who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom. The empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor, or African-American, or gay, or disabled, or old. And that’s the criteria by which I’m going to be selecting my judges."

That is not justice. He is going to appoing judges based on how they "feel" about these things versus their ability to interpret the constitution and I am not okay with that. Ultimately he thinks the constitution is not living enough - he thinks it should mold to the times - the ebs and flows of culture and morality. When you throw away the standards and foundation of our country - you are playing with fire. 

There are many other things about his policies that concern me but this is already getting pretty long :o)

One other thing is that I think it is alarming how little he was tested by the media. I think they have really swept under the rug his past associations with severely leftist people (Wright, Ayers, Khalidi, Rezko, etc); the discrepancy over his birth certificate; the LA Times video that they refuse to release, and their overall love affair with him - their job is to dig that stuff up and expose it and they failed. 

To answer your question - I don't think I would be as upset if it were Hillary moving into the White House because Obama is far more left-thinking than she is and with the Democratic control of the House and Senate on his side, he has the potential to do some damage to our personal liberties and culture of life. I don't think I would be happy about Hillary but I wouldn't feel as scared as I do right now. 

I think we are in a historic time for sure and I am very happy that America has it's first black president. I just fear that many people got so caught up and fell in love with that possibility that they chose the wrong man.

Maybe he will do a great job. I hope he does. I hope I am wrong and that my fears are unfounded. But when I look at his voting record and his stance on the issues, I can't help but feel that America doesn't realize the kind of change we could be in for. In four years we could have less personal liberties, higher taxes, a worse economy, and a leftist government leading us towards capitalist socialism. And I don't think that is the America we are fighting for.

I do think the Republicans deserved to lose after the last 8 years. I don't know that McCain would have done much better but I don't think he had the potential to change the moral and economical direction of the country as much as Obama. But we'll see. 

So hopefully that didn't sound too much like Kool-Aid induced writing :o) This the first election I have really taken the time to think through each of the issues and why i agree or don't agree. 

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell you my thoughts. I appreciate your willingness to read (if you made it all the way down here) I would also love to hear yours if you feel like sharing them. 

I hope you are doing well. I think you are Colorado :o) Go Broncos. Jay Cutler is my QB for Fantasy but he has not been treating me well the past few weeks.

Jenny

Desert Island and Cuddling

I am watching The Fire episode of the The Office right now from Season 2 where they stand outside and play "Desert Island" and "Who Would You Do." I am changing the latter to "Who Would You Hold Special Hands and Cuddle With?"

Desert Island - What 3 books OR 5 DVDs would you want if you were stuck on a Desert Island?

Pam: Well I kind of like Legally...

Jim: Do you understand the, the game is Desert Island Movies, not Guilty Pleasure Movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you are going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable.

Pam: I take it back!

Desert Island Books

1). The Bible: This is actually 66 books in one but who is counting.

2). Miriam Websters Dictionary: The biggest one. I can use the “X” and “Q” sections to build a fire and then have a “word of the day” for the rest of my life.

3). Harry Potter: I am assuming that by the time I get trapped on a desert island they will have published a book with all of the volumes in one. But if not then I will take #7 – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – so I will always know how it ends.

Desert Island DVDs

1). Rocky 4: There are just so many good things about this Rocky movie I could go on forever. This would motivate me to work out and defeat any communists on the island.

2). Enchanted: B/c I will need background music and cheer in this lonely time.

3). Castaway: So I can follow Tom Hanks’ lead.

4). When Harry Met Sally: It’s a classic.

5). Varsity Blues: B/c I will need a Football Fix.

Who Would You Hold Special Hands and Cuddle With?

1). Brian Armstrong: My boo. He has to be first.

2). Rocky Balboa: "Yo JennyLynn - I did it."

3). Jim Halpert: We could prank our coworkers together...except we wouldn't have coworkers on a desert island. I think I'm getting my games mixed up.

4). Zack Morris: I love his stonewashed jeans tucked into stark white converse. And the way he pursued Kelly Kapowski.

5). Dr. McDreamy: It's the Hair.

Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

I am just going to start writing in this blog. I will put a link to it on my facebook page but other than that I will not advertise. People may never read it or people may read it everyday. We will see. But here we go.

What do you write about in a blog? For my first official post I will write in stream of consciousness format about three things I am currently obsessed with.

1). Fantasy Football and Picking Games Each Week: Who knew this could be so funn?? Who knew it was not as hard as it seemed the last three years. Who knew that I could be tied for second place in both leagues with just a little effort and the help of Yahoo Sports and Chris Cooley's blog??

Last week was a horrible week for me in terms of fantasy. I lost my game bad and had one player get me negative points. It is not looking much better b/c of bye weeks and injuries but I am a new coach and my goal is to have funn. However, Riddle me this - what is more funn than winning?

In terms of Picking Games for the "non-pool" (the only thing at stake is a Steak dinner) I am in - I am rocking it. I start with Cooley's picks as a base, then look at Vegas, Yahoo & ESPN expert picks, and then go to the male experts I know - Pat L., Dave C, and Brian my Boo, and get their input. And then I usually go with what Cooley says.

2). Tracking My Spending Habits: I started an excel spreadsheet last year to track my spending habits. I itemize into the following categories:
Bills
Beauty
Gas
Clothes
Misc
Giving
Gifts
Car
Sports/Running
Groceries
Cash
Savings
Target
Entertainment

Yes. Target has it's own budget category. What can I say?

I figure out what percent each category has in my overall spending for the month. I will tell you that Target is generally 3%. I love that place. I have recently started comparing the categories for each month and averaging them so I can start a budget based on those averages.

I wish I was more Excel savvy b/c I would DOMINATE with charts and graphs. I am no financial planner but it is nice to be able to look back over the year and say that I have spent an average of 2.7% a month on sports or 52% on bills.

3). BRAVO Tv: I could watch Bravo 24 hours a day. Love it Love it Love it. I recently discovered the Rachel Zoe Project and could not turn it off. Project Runway and Top Chef are no-brainer favorites with public acclaim. But who knew the Real Housewives of Atlanta could be so captivating? Seriously, how can you turn off the TV when you find out that Kim spent $11,000 (yes, ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS) on her daughter's 12th birthday party??

And let's not forget Tabitha's Salon Takeover. It's like Super Nanny meets Jerry Springer. You laugh, they cry, and you walk out with a life changing final thought, "I'm glad I don't have a boss like that."

If I could have a fantasy football team made up of Bravo TV personalities my lineup would be:

QB – Tom Collichio, Top Chef – this Top Chef takes crap from no one. He will help you win but only b/c he’s getting paid.

RB – Heidi Klum, Project Runway – Klum is the perfect combination of style and sass. Say “Auf Wiedersehen” to this chick as she finds the holes in your scheme. With Heidi – you are always “out”. Let’s start the show...

WR - Kathy Griffin, My Life on the D-List – In T.O. fashion, Griffin is the perfect MediaHo, pulling crazy stunts like dating Adnan Galib and making everyone in the industry mad. You know you love to hate her.

TE – Tim Gunn, Project Runway – A versatile player. He can mentor. He can judge. He tells it like it is and will come through in a clutch....and let you know whether you should have been carrying that clutch at all...

Defense – The Real Housewives of Atlanta – You better watch out for these girls. They will eat you for breakfast...along with their mimosas.

K – Rachel Zoe, The Rachel Zoe Project – Roughing this little “lettuce cup” might snap her in half but she’ll “die” before she lets your team down.

That’s Bananas.

I have a blog!!!

I'm pretty excited that I am now a blogger. I will write more interesting things later. But I am glad to be in this new world. Holler.